We’d dropped off Leigh and Christine and were parked on the curb in front of Neil’s house. The front door to the mansion was wide open and Fleetwood Mac was blaring from inside.
Justin lowered his head to get a look at the open door. “Should we go check that out?”
“No,” I said. “Probably Amber working on her rose wall. I’m not worried about it.”
I got out of the car, and Justin met me on the lawn.
“Sorry for the side quest,” Justin said, stopping in front of me. “They were fun,” I said honestly.
“Mom doesn’t drink. You were treated to a show.” He smiled a little. So handsome.
I’d been admiring his side profile as we drove. Little glances while his focus was on the road. The way his eyes creased at the corners when his mom and Leigh were laughing from the back seat. The way his jaw ticced slightly when they weren’t. The look of gratitude he gave me when I held his hand.
I liked being there to help him through that, the way he helped me the day Mom showed up. Even if it was just a tiny moment in a long lifetime of moments, I was happy to be a part of it.
Justin deserved good things. He deserved for the hard things of his life to be made a little easier, the way he made everyone else’s life easier.
“Leigh seems like a good friend,” I said.
“She is. She would do anything for Mom. She’d probably take her place if she could.”
I nodded. I understood that. Maddy and I had that.
It was weird to think it, especially given the circumstances, but I was glad I met his mom. I wasn’t making plans with Justin. We’d be done once I left Minnesota. But for some reason, it was important to me that when he talked about her over the next few weeks, I’d be able to put a face to a name.
That she’d be able to put a face to mine.
I liked the idea of Justin talking about me to her, I realized. Of him talking about me to anyone. Being important enough to come up in conversation.
And then I realized that I’d actually feel hurt if I wasn’t. If I was just some fling for him that didn’t warrant mentioning to his friends and family.
But why would that bother me?
That’s essentially what this was—a fling.
I couldn’t care less about whether the guys I dated previously talked about me. Sometimes I preferred they didn’t. What was the point? I was going to move on and drift into their oblivion anyway, why even waste the time to tell their friends my name?
But I wanted Justin to think about me and talk about me. I liked that he planned things for me. That he spent so much time making his surveys and invites and picking out the perfect places to take me.
“Dreams” ended and then Peter Cetera came on with “The Next Time I Fall.”
Justin stood there with his hands in his pockets. He was supposed to kiss me.
I thought maybe he’d do it somewhere in Stillwater, but he hadn’t. He took a step toward me, and my heart launched.
“Is it okay if I kiss you good night?” he asked, his eyes flickering to my lips.
“Yes, you may kiss me.”
I slid my hands up his chest. He smelled so good. I’d been leaning into it the whole evening. Something spicy and warm mixed with the scent of mint. Justin was so… familiar. Like I was dating a boy I grew up with and I hadn’t seen him in a few years and when I did, he’d turned into someone irresistible. Obviously that whole scenario was impossible. I knew nobody from my childhood. There was nothing before I moved in with Maddy. Just
a smear of people and places and schools and foster homes. But I just knew without knowing that this comparison was the right one.
Maybe a wall that I usually had up was coming down a little—probably because of the circumstances of our arrangement.
Or maybe not.
Maybe it was just him.
Something about this made me feel uneasy. Like something scary was happening but I couldn’t explain what. But I didn’t have time to think about it because Justin was leaning in.
He cupped my cheeks in his hands, looked me in the eye. Then slowly, sensually… kissed me on the forehead.
The forehead.
I waited a moment for the real thing, but he stepped back. “Okay. Good night.”
I blinked at him. “That’s it?”
“You didn’t like it?” He smiled.
I gave him a look. “Really, Justin? A forehead kiss?”
“I’m told they’re all the rage. The female gaze and all that.” “You are supposed to kiss me. On the mouth.”
He looked thoroughly amused. “We have time. I don’t have to do it right away. We have two more dates.”
I crossed my arms and his eyes sparkled. He was messing with me.
“I’ll see you next week,” he said. He turned and started around the front of the car.
My arms dropped. “Justin!”
He waved his keys at me over the top of the car as he got in the front seat. I watched with my mouth open as he started the engine and drove off.
I gaped at his taillights until they turned a corner out of view. Un- believable.
I’m not sure if it was his intention, but the tease made me want him to kiss me a thousand times more than I’d wanted it five minutes ago. Maybe he was right about the female gaze…
I made an exasperated noise at the empty street, then I went to wait for Maddy on the dock, opting not to peek in and bother Mom. I sat on the bench that overlooked the water and watched the lights of the pontoon beam in the distance.
My heart was still pounding. It was so rare for a man to make my heart pound. I knew my heart should pound when I was with a guy I liked. Only mine never had. Everything was always flat for me.
Maybe that’s why I was a good nurse. I had the gift of extreme empathy paired with detachment. I could deeply understand someone and anticipate their needs, but also never get close enough to them to feel it when they passed away or suffered or I moved on. I didn’t fall in love. Not with people or places. Not with anything, really. I mean, that was the curse we were trying to break, right?
I wondered how I got this way.
Sometimes I felt like I was roaming this earth as a ghost, seeing everything and feeling nothing. These tiny things, a fluttering heart, butterflies in my stomach—the urge to dock. I never got to feel like this. It was exciting that Justin made me feel like this. But it didn’t really matter. It could never work out with us, at least not now anyway.
I didn’t want to raise someone else’s kids. I wasn’t even sure I ever wanted my own kids. I liked my life—the traveling, the money, being spontaneous and always having a new destination to look forward to. I didn’t want to stay here. I didn’t want to stay anywhere.
Maddy picked me up and we went back to the island.
