HENRY
“HEY, DAYDREAMER,” HALLE WHISPERS AS she nudges my knee with hers to get my attention since I’d de1nitely zoned out. “I need the bathroom.”
She’s staring at me like I’m supposed to be reading her mind right now, but I can’t. After I don’t say anything, she nods toward the door. “Will you help me 1nd it?”
Two of the band members—I can’t remember their names—are talking about Russ when he was a little kid and they used to rehearse in the Callaghans’ garage. Aurora is eating it up, but I’ve been ready to leave for twenty minutes; Russ is waiting for his brother to appear. I don’t understand why since they don’t seem to like each other, but I’m an only child so I don’t presume to understand sibling behavior.
“I’m going to pee my pants if we don’t go right now,” Halle whispers. “You’re not wearing any pants,” I whisper back.
It takes two minutes to 1nd the door labeled Restroom, and I’d argue that Halle didn’t need my help. I’m about to point that out when she pushes the door open and reveals Ethan, Russ’s brother, snorting a line of white powder from the edge of the sink with a woman.
There are various other clear plastic bags around them with powders and pills, and a half-drunk bottle of vodka. Ethan doesn’t pay any attention to either of us as Halle rushes into one of the stalls. It’s taking everything in me to not ask him what the fuck he thinks he’s doing.
I frankly don’t care about what irresponsible act he wants to do, but I’m angry for my friend. Russ deserves better.
“Close the fucking door, man,” he yells in my direction, not even bothering to look at me.
I reluctantly step into the bathroom, letting the door shut behind me. I don’t want to be anywhere near this, but I don’t want to leave Halle in here alone. I know Russ suspects there’s something going on with his brother because he con1ded in me about it over the summer.
He said it would be typical for his family to 1nd something new to fall out over now that his dad is doing so well in his gambling addiction program. Russ thought maybe Ethan was using sleeping pills to help with traveling with the band, and that’s why he looked so strung out when they saw each other over the summer. I don’t think he suspected this, and I really don’t want to be the one to tell him he has another family problem to worry about.
Halle’s stall opens, and now that she’s turned toward me, I can see the horri1ed look on her face. I don’t think this is the experience she was looking for tonight. She doesn’t look at Ethan or his friend as she washes her hands beside them.
“What the fuck?” she says, having stormed out of the bathroom.
Halle doesn’t know about Russ’s family, other than what everyone who came here tonight knows: that Russ has issues with his brother but he’s supportive of him. I haven’t told her, and I know Aurora won’t have.
“Yeah, wild,” I respond, not knowing what else to say. This entire day has been a drain, and when I’m tired things come out wrong, and I need not to say things wrong right now.
I don’t want to betray Russ’s trust.
“Does Russ know?” she asks. I shrug. “You should go and tell him. I’m not being a narc, but, like, that doesn’t look recreational. Did you see the counter? There was so much.”
“Russ doesn’t need this. Ethan is an adult.”
“I should tell Aurora then,” she says, and my stomach sinks. “She’s being so nice to me, we’re friends now I guess, and this is so dangerous. What if he overdoses and we didn’t tell anyone? She can decide what Russ needs to know, but at least we said something.”
“No.” I don’t know how to deal with this. “We need to mind our business. It’s nothing to do with us. If Ethan goes out there looking like that Russ will probably work it out himself anyway.”
“But what if h—”
“Halle, no. I know them better than you do. You’re drunk and you’re not listening to me. Now isn’t the time.”
I watch her face sink and hate myself. “Okay. You’re right, they’re your friends, you know what’s best.”
It’s like watching a balloon deRate as all the con1dence she’s gained in the past few weeks leaves her. “They’re our friends,” I say, but it’s pointless. I’ve already upset her.
She shu es awkwardly. “I think I’m going to 1nd Cami and get an Uber home. I’m pretty tired and I dunno. I don’t think hanging out with the band and seeing everything that happens is my thing. I guess I’m really sheltered because I feel really weird and uncomfortable.”
“I don’t like it, either. I’ll come with you.”
Cami doesn’t want to leave when we 1nd her hanging out in the bar next door with some of her friends. Neither of us says anything on the ride back to Halle’s place. I’m grateful for the quiet, and our driver doesn’t seem to want to be the one to start the conversation. The car pulls up in front of her house and she starts to get out. When I don’t move, the little line between her eyebrows appears. “Are you not staying over?”
“Not tonight. I want to go home and sleep.” If I can get my brain to shut oI quickly, I’ll even sleep through everyone coming home later. “But I’ll walk you to your door.”
“No, I’m 1ne, stay here. Goodbye then,” she says with a weird edge to her voice. “Thanks for everything.”
She’s closed the door before I have a chance to respond to her strange goodbye, and that’s when the driver looks at me in his mirror. “Jeez. What did you do, man?”
I don’t bother answering him and make a mental note to rate him only four stars.
Fuck Ethan Callaghan.
I NEED TO TELL RUSS what happened last night, but I don’t want to.
Halle was right. Russ needs to know, and if he 1nds out I knew and didn’t tell him I think he might be upset. But, like I said, I don’t want to have that conversation with him. I don’t trust myself not to deliver the news in a way that will make it worse, but I know Halle can’t help me.
Maybe that’s why I feel like not even the 1re alarm could get me out of my room right now.
“Henry?” Russ calls my name as he knocks on my bedroom door. “Are you in there?”
Anastasia would say this is the universe intervening. “Yeah, come in.”
Russ’s head pokes through my door, his cell phone pressed to his ear. “She’s not here,” Russ says into his phone. “Okay, give me a chance to ask him, Ror. You took Halle home last night, right?”
“Yes. Why?”
“He did, Ror. Stop panicking. She’s probably just hungover. No, no, I’ll tell him. It’ll be 1ne, sweetheart. Yes, he’ll call you. Okay, love you, too.” When he disconnects the call he comes into my room and sits at the end of my bed. “She’s freaking out because some people got roo1ed last night, and Halle didn’t show up to class this morning. One of them was Poppy, and Rory is really upset over it. She’s 1ne, nothing happened, thank God.”
Russ carries on talking as I go into autopilot to get dressed. He gives me a ride to Halle’s place, and it’s only when I knock on her front door and see her that I 1nally feel like I can exhale.
“What are you doing here?” she asks, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan. Stepping through the door, I immediately wrap my arms around her and rest my face against the crown of her head. “Henry, you’re freaking me out. Did someone die?”
Taking a step back I look her up and down, and aside from her red eyes, she looks un-Halle-like in a way I can’t pinpoint. “Are you okay? You look terrible.”
“I’m 1ne,” she whispers, bottom lip wobbling as she forces herself into a smile. “So, so 1ne.”
“Halle, why are you crying?”
“I’m not,” she says as she begins to fully sob. “Everything is 1ne.”
I guide her into the living room, and she’s compliant as I take a seat on the couch and pull her onto my lap. “Why are you crying? Did something happen?” “I thought you wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore,” she blurts out. “I
thought you were mad at me.”
This is not what I expected her to be upset over. “Why wouldn’t I want to be your friend anymore?”
I wipe the tears rolling down her reddened cheeks with my thumbs. She looks so sad. “I was pushy and weird last night. I tried to interfere with you and your friends. I know I overstepped, Henry.”
“No, you were right. I should have said something to Russ; he has a complicated situation with his family, and I don’t know how to handle it sometimes. Usually, I just listen to him rant, and I don’t need to give advice. I’m going to talk to him about it. You didn’t overstep.” New tears form and I watch her carefully while she avoids looking at me. Gripping her chin lightly, I tilt her face in my direction. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. Our friendship is so new, and you were right, you know your friends better than I do, and the thought of losing everyone and having no friends agai—”
“Friends are allowed to have diIerent opinions on how to handle things, Halle. It doesn’t make me not want to talk to you anymore, and even if something did happen, people don’t want to be your friend because of me. They like you as you are all on your own.”
I hold my arm up, and after a moment of deliberation she leans into my body, letting me wrap my arm around her. Her head 1ts perfectly in the crook of my neck.
“I don’t know why I’m crying so much,” she mumbles. “I just woke up feeling so depressed and anxious, and now you’re here and it just won’t stop.”
“You’re being dramatic because you have a hangover, Halle.”
“I’m not being dramatic,” she immediately replies before I feel her body start to shake gently. Shit. “Not on purpose.”
Stroking her hair gently, I hold her tight with my other arm. “Alcohol is a depressant. It’s why you feel so shit when you’re hungover. Does this happen every time you drink?”
She shakes her head; the smell of her shampoo radiates from her hair. She smells like vanilla. “Only if I drink a lot. I don’t think I like it.”
“Then why do you do it?” I know she’s crying again before I hear it from the way her body moves. I hate it. “Shh. You’ll feel better once it’s out of your system. Just stop crying.”
Sni ng, she wipes her eyes with her cardigan sleeves. “I don’t want people to think I’m boring and stop inviting me to things. I never drank at parties when I was with Will, and they de1nitely thought I was boring. And it makes me feel more con1dent, and I like it for the 1rst couple of drinks, but then if I go further, I end up feeling like this the next day. I worry everyone hates me while I also feel like death.”
“You really skipped those peer-pressure talks in high school, huh? Let’s not talk about Will, because then I’ll feel like death and won’t be able to take care of you.” I 1nally get a short laugh out of her, and the relief is immense. “Halle, nobody with more than two brain cells thinks anybody is boring for not drinking when they don’t want to. Don’t do something you don’t like for other people.”
“I know. Nobody is pressuring me. It’s just in my head, and logically I know I’m being ridiculous.”
“Sometimes you can’t trust your head to think the right thing, especially when you drown it in tequila. People like you, sober you, not the extra-con1dent version when you’re buzzed you. Getting a new group of friends all at once is a lot, but you don’t need to change for them.”
“Oh,” she says. We sit in silence, and there’s thankfully no more crying. I rub my hand up and down her outer thigh and try to remember when being this close started to feel so natural. Minutes of quiet continue, and I think she’s fallen asleep until she speaks quietly. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course you can.”
She sits up to look at me, her butt sliding oI my knee into the gap between my thigh and the couch end. Her legs stay draped over mine and my hands settle
on her shin. “If you aren’t mad at me, why didn’t you stay over last night?” “When I’m overwhelmed, I need to be on my own to process everything and
sleep it oI. I’m sorry, I could have explained that to you. I will next time.”
She nods. “That makes sense. Sorry for asking, and for being needy or whatever. It was just when you didn’t want to stay, and you hadn’t actually invited me, so I thought that maybe you hadn’t wanted me there, and the girls sa
—it doesn’t matter. Thank you for explaining.”
“I didn’t invite you because I wasn’t going. I only went because I wanted to see you.” I chuckle when her eyes widen a little. “I don’t even like Take Back December. And Russ’s brother is a dick, as you now know. What did your friends say?”
She leans back into me, burying her face in my chest like it’s the most instinctual thing for her. She mumbles into my T-shirt, “Ifyouwantedtoyouwouldbutisaidwe’renotlikethat.”
“Huh?”
She looks up so I can see her face and her cheeks are Rushed again. “That if you wanted to you would. But I said we’re not like that. And now I know you weren’t even going so I feel silly.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s like when guys don’t make an eIort for stuI people say oh, if they wanted to they would. Because people always remember to do the things for people that are important to them. So if they don’t make the eIort, it’s just not a high priority for them. It’s just because you said you forgot to invite me to your game, then you didn’t invite me to this and, I don’t know. It isn’t a big deal, they were just talking while we were getting ready.”
“I always want to and I always will, but I have to be honest, sometimes I don’t know I should. I need you to talk to me if you feel like I’m not stepping up, because I will. I’ll do anything for you, Halle. I just don’t always know it because sometimes that isn’t how I think. I get wrapped up in things and then I don’t focus on the outside things I want to focus on. You are a high priority to me.”
“This was a really deep conversation to have while simultaneously feeling like I might throw up at any moment. Maybe I am dramatic,” she says as she rests her
head against me again. I don’t think she needs me to con1rm to her that she is. I’m willing to give her a pass because being hungover clearly isn’t for her. I listen to the pattern of her breathing while twirling a piece of her hair between my 1ngers. “How did you know to look for me here?”
“Aurora was worried about you because you didn’t show up for class. Some people had their drinks spiked last night and she panicked when she couldn’t reach you. I should text her.”
“I don’t know where my cell phone is. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten anyone. That’s so scary.” I don’t tell her about Poppy because I’m not sure if I’m supposed to, and I don’t want to make her cry again. “Let her know I’m okay, please.”
Pulling out my cell phone, I bring up Aurora’s name.
AURORA
She’s fine. Just hungover.
Omg. I can stop stressing now. Tell her she can have my notes
Thanks Prince Charming
Need to talk to you about an Ethan thing later. Don’t
know how to bring it up with Russ.
 |
??
Russ already knows. It blew up after you left last night.
He’d suspected something was up since summer so it wasn’t a surprise
Will talk to you about it later. I’m meeting my professor now
Yeah.
“Why do you have over four hundred unread messages? Do you not have, like, intense anxiety when you don’t open your messages, or is that just me?”
“It’s just you. It’s mainly group chats, Kenny’s oIers, and women looking to hook up late at night when they’re bored and horny. Nothing important.”
She scoIs. “Yeah, my messages are de1nitely the same.”
I sit up a little straighter. “People looking to hook up?”
“Tons of them. It’s always the bored and the horny. My inbox is actually overRowing with that particular type of message. What an inconvenience, amiright?”
“Guys I know?” I think she’s kidding. Emphasis on think.
She gives me a pointed look, but I don’t know what it means. “Be serious.
Literally nobody is texting me to hook up.”
I feel relieved and I’m not sure why. I know I’m not supposed to feel relieved considering she’s just a friend. “Is that something you want? That experience?”
“It depends what you’re asking. There’s a lot of things I’ll do for the writing competition, but hooking up with someone random for more inspiration isn’t one of them. But would I like the experience of hooking up with someone I care about? Yeah.”
“That makes sense.”
It’s a natural end to the conversation. Halle is still curled up on my lap, and any sign she’s attempting to move makes me hold her that much tighter until she relaxes again. Joy joined the equation, taking her place on Halle’s lap, and the whole image is unusually domestic for me. I like how calm I feel, and it’s making me consider skipping my afternoon classes and staying here. Well, until I remember that I’d have to face Faulkner if I did.
“I need to google why being around you makes me want to fall asleep,” she says after a long stretch of quiet.
“Oxytocin.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Neither do I. I was googling why I couldn’t fall asleep as well as I do when you’re there, but I got distracted by a pregnancy pillow ad. It arrives on Monday.”
“You can stay here whenever you like, Henry,” she says gently. “You’re always welcome and I like the company. It’s really nice having friends. Even if maybe I panic I’m going to lose them all every single day and have dramatic embarrassing outbursts when I’m hungover.”
“You’re not embarrassing. You are dramatic, though. But if it makes you feel better, you’re not even in the top three of the most dramatic people I’m friends
with,” I say, squeezing her side playfully. “You broke a rule, though; please stop feeling embarrassed around me. Maybe your friendships will feel less delicate if you get to know people better. We need to give you a new experience anyway. Have you ever been on a group date?”
“I sort of have, actually. It was horrible and I felt like an alien the entire time.” “Good, it’s better that you’ve done it before. That way I won’t have to feel bad about stealing you away the minute we get there. We’re playing away this
weekend, but we’re going to the beach on Sunday when we get home.”
Halle laughs, her body vibrating against mine. “So not a group date then. Just a date with witnesses.”
“Annoying witnesses.”
When she frees herself from being curled up against me, she looks happier than she did when I got here, and I’m thankful I haven’t somehow made this worse. “Annoying witnesses? What could possibly go wrong?”
